MEGA LOLZ.

 From this: when I was 15 and emo and had no sense.

To This: When I was 16/17 and 13 stone.

To This : age 18 after weightwatchers...

I remember when these photos were taken which is strange because my memory only last a few days at times.

The first photo : taken in my old house in Notting Hill. I used to hang around a green in Hammersmith called St Pauls green with some crackheads and take E and drink obscene amounts of alcohol.
I had a boyfriend called Josh: the biggest stoner I know, a cheat and a 19 year old who acts like a new born. He was fun though. I had the best years of my life on that stupid green. Even  when it was -2 degrees outside, the people I was with always made the night an adventure.

The second photo: in my new house in Chiswick when me and Caity and Anthony Pierce listened to music and got drunk and danced. That was actually fun. We pierced his ear. God I look obese. What was going through my head when I got that bob?

The last photo: taken the other day in my duvet. I was bored and wanted to make a nice 'arty' photo. Looking a lot better. I hope every year I improve and blossom. Probably the most happy I have been in a long time. Life is more simple.

NEW YEARS - The trauma

I am having withdrawal symptoms of alcohol and it's only been 2 days.HOW shit is that. More to the point, how ridiculous does that sound...only two days and my body is feeling like it's missing one of it's organs. Most likely to be my liver....

Every year, the trauma of organising new years arrives.
who comes, who's house party to go to, who won't be invited and the who you are going to kiss at midnight.

And most importantly, who is actually going to come up with a plan?
This year it has landed on me and my friend, Rory. The dilemma is where to have it, he wants to have an afterparty and most people don't want to travel from East London to West. I can have a new years party at my parents house but only 20 people (round the corner from Rory's)...which is not fun.
Another dilemma, my friend Caitlin is having her birthday at new years and I am helping her organise it which makes people more confused at WHERE WE ARE GOING?!

At the end of the day there is always one poor soul who has to organise the whole shabang.

Who comes? But this person's boyfriend isn't invited? Oh can I bring my friends sister's dog? But that person will think I'm desperate if I invite them?' ...... And so on. The continuation of the annoying questions.

And then theres the problem of who to kiss at midnight. Last year we actually had a rota of who would kiss who. I kissed my friend Julia, then She would kiss Tom, then I would kiss Tom, then He would kiss Noni, then I would kiss Noni, then Noni would kiss Julia. WE might as well have had a 4 way kissing session.

I want this year to be different, I don't want to kiss someone based on a rota. I want to kiss them because I genuinely want to, even when im sober which is a rare occasion.

Still, wouldn't it be nice to spend new years kissing someone that later on you don't regret?/Feel sick at the thought of/makes you want to cry.

Do you have to bring a date? well no not necessarily, you just need a backup. New years is very important to me. Especially since I hate christmas, thank god that's over for the next 12 months.

New years has been playing on my mind for the past few weeks, my friend offered to be my date which is lovely of him, I did moan to him on the phone for an hour about who to take as my ''date'' if you want to call it that. I would rather have like 5 dates to be frank. Theres always hope.

Whatever happens, I will make a huge effort to look incredible in that backless LBD and 6 inch stilletoes which will give me masses of confidence to kiss someone nice...and then I'll be happy.

<3

Fame

I am seriously bored of Cheryl Cole.

She is literally everywhere and has taken over.

People are saying that she is the new Princess Diana. WHAT a disgusting statement to make.

People will say that im just jealous, of what? she is a shit musician lets face it and what exactly has she done to change the world? what would I be jealous of? her beauty? She has had plastic surgery according to the tabloids and I'm sure if we all had proffessional hairdressers,make up artists and stylists on speed dial and available 24/7 then we would all look pretty damn good.

People say that when they are older, they want to be famous. Those who are already in the public eye say that they hate it. I don't blame them. Cheryl Cole is one of those people who also hate being in the public eye.

What do you gain from fame?

- Money- from selling stories to newspapers and magazines as well as your ''talent''

- Attention, plenty of it. Especially if you marry someone more famous than you are.Maybe even an A-lister.

- 15 minutes.

Money doesn't necessarily guarantee a lifetime of happiness. It brings you short term happiness and once you have gotten everything you want and theres nothing left that you wish for, then what? what do you do?

Take Cheryl Cole for example, money can't buy you a nice loving faithful husband

It can't buy you safety (reference to her malaria incident)

It can only really buy you materialistic things and a luxurious lifestyle but there will come a time when you are bored of it.

Being in the public eye drains energy and time and you are watched and photographed everytime you leave the house, even if you casually step out into your back garden, we know how desperate the paparazzi are to get that one semi nude/bum crack/nippe/acne/any type of fault that is defined by society, photograph to sell for thousands.

Fun Nights

Nights Out Before Home:

more like nights in actually.

I think I have more fun at home than going out in East London purely because you never know how the night ends, who will be there, what time I go to sleep (9am, because I cannot handle not sleeping at all), and just generally how messy the night is.

We seem to have started this habit of getting into the bath while trollied out of our minds. That bit is one of the highlights of the night.



Completely sober.





ME, CARYS, MORGAN.

gals on the lash.mega lolz.

The Holidays Begin

STILL not yet started on work but after the 5 day binge I have just had I think it's time to hibernate for a little while. My week has been amazing so far, I have most definetly been hangin' out my arse.

On Wednesday night, I went to Cheapskates, Tottenham Court Road, the skankiest most horrifically unhygenic club I have been to apart from the Redback. Besides their hygene standards the night is always fun. It normally consists of the same shinanigans:

Talk to some drunken 'lads' who are obviously leering down your top.

Wait 20-45 mins at the bar (while slurring at another group of guys) TRYING to buy a fucking drink. By the time you actually get to the bar you have sobered up and need at least 10 vodka diet cokes just to make up for the wait. At 90p a hit everyone is obviously desperate to buy as many drinks as possible.

Dance all night until it seems a good idea to run around bear foot because you have noticed your feet are bleeding from your 6 inch stillettos.

It may not seem like fun but someone's idea of HELL but honestly, at most cheap clubs what more can you expect? When people ask me to describe Cheapskates on a Wednesday night, I tell them that they will most definetly bring a 'delightful' young lad home to mother and father.

I did such a thing unfortunately. While trollied, I thought it would be a good idea to invite 2 guys back to mine (I know how it sounds but it was innocent) Lets call them...*Tom and *Jerome, heaven forbid if they ever find this. So basically me and ''Tom'' had been an item for that evening and he had his friend ''Jerome'' with him. We left and then went back to my parents house and after more drinking and talking about utter shit about their ''acting courriers'' FAIL, we went to sleep, Tom fell asleep first and then his friend thought it was a good idea to try and kiss me whilst we are all in the same bed. I was MORTIFIED.

Anyway, on another occassion, I saw both of these guys again, at my friend's Birthday. The same thing happened, apart from Jerome was trying it on with one of my friend's who had a boyfriend.....? Tom and I were just hanging out and kissing blah blah blah....then he tells me that he is engaged.... My mouth hung open for about 20 minutes until I reacted by shouting at him and telling him to ring his fiance. He obviously didn't do that. He also denied to my face that anything had happened between us and we had'nt done anything...I physically couldn't understand what planet this boy was on. So half an hour later he tells me that it was a joke and that those were his ''acting skills'' he was definetly all over the shop. What a complete loser.




On Thursday night I went to Punk, in Tottenham Court Road with my 3 friends, Caitlin, Michael and Emily <3
It was one of the best night's I have had in a long time, we danced all night, drank and sat on my friend's table. I won't go into detail.

At Imogen's Christmas party I dressed up as puss in boots because its.....festive.....?

Gareth My Dear Friend

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5C_LMYdKzWY

Gareth Pugh Autumn/Winter 2009




This video makes me feel HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH
high high high high
hi?

HECTIC STRESSFUL LONG EFFORT TIME HECTIC STRESSFUL LONG EFFORT TIME HECTICLONGEFFORTTIMEHECTICLONGEFFORTTIMELONGEFFORTTIMESTRESSFUL

I just saw this person's blog.I forgot what it was called and who it was by but apparently she is quite famous because of it. She has written 100000000000 blog posts and I'm struggling to understand where she finds the time? I wish I had more time to write but...still.

This week is going to be so hectic with the list of work I have to complete by the 4th January:
- 1 FULL sketchbook
- Finish the other sketchbook
- Produce 6 design boards
- 2 outcomes
- Photoshop work- Take photographs
- 1,200 word essay on 4 objects.

And now apparently life drawing homework which is an essay and 5 gallery visits and all this other shit.
As student rep, I had to email some people from my class basically asking them to give me a list of bullet points to complain about the ridiculous amount of work we have to do.

Most of them didn't even know we had to have a life drawing sketchbook.......

Anyway It's Christmas?! It shouldn't be called a holiday because it is clearly not going to be.

I am trying to figure out how I am not going to suffer from a hangover everyday (my hangovers last ALL DAY...until I drink more)

Wednesday - Cheapskates
Thursday - Punk
Friday - Friend's Birthday at the pub
Saturday - Redback
Sunday - Imogen's Christmas party

It's not like I can say no to all these events because I have not seen people from uni/chiswick/west LDN in forevvvvvvvvvverrrrrrrrrrrr and also it will be better than sitting at home with a sketchbook in one hand and an unfinished essay in the other.
But after this week I am pretty much available I think. We'll see.....
Also I have to spend time with my granny <3 she is the cutest little woman. She's Turkish and speaks next to no English. This is probably the last time I am going to see her, so I think I'll make the most of it.

DRINKDRINKDRINKDRINKDRINKDRINK.

''I am going to my room to masturbate before I have a light lunch,If you would like to come and watch''

- Salvador Dali you crazy motherfucker.

Life in East and life in West, they are both so different.
In Whitechapel, life is more surreal
In Chiswick, life is calm and a place to go and hibernate because no-one is here anymore. I guess I prefer the drama in Whitechapel because the drama in Chiswick is boring and I'm getting so tired of it because It never changes and It's also like living in a bubble.Not that I don't like that sometimes, which is why I occassionally come back.It's quite boring most of the time.


People are wondering why Cher didn't cry when she was booted out of the X Factor
It's because she has a £1000,000 record deal...

The first time she auditioned, you could see the dollar sign in Simon Cowell's eyes.

Willow Smith =
How could her dad let her sing these lyrics

''I whip it real hard
Real hard
I Whip it real hard''

Whip what exactly? Her hair? I highly doubt it.
''Shake em off'' Shake who off?! men?! at her age?! She may look amazing blah blah blah but Shouldn't she be singing about barbie dolls and having her first WKD, if that.Isn't she like 10 years old?

Tornado Fetish.

These are probably one of my favourite things to research and watch. Oh god, how sad does that sound?!

It's just so interesting that they are huge and caused by nature, the reach to the clouds and something that you probably didn't know is that in the middle of a tornado, it is completely peaceful. Even though tornadoes are destructive, I can imagine that they are incredible to watch. One day I would love to see one. Maybe even be in one? no that's a bit insane but I wish there was more video footage up close of a tornado. I don't know how this obsession started. I am not alone, there are other people who are also a member of ''Storm Chasers'' Even though I've never actually even seen a ''storm''. If I did, I would like to take photographs like these.....





 

This one looks slightly photoshopped????

The Past And The Present.

My brother has become really cool... For someone who I thought didn't listen to ANY music, likes AC/DC and The Beatles AND Queen?! This is truly a shocker.Especially if you knew Ben.

My 14 year old brother who is really more of a 10 year old.

Jeremy Kyle- you are no longer my guilty pleasure, you have dissapointed me with your repetitive nature of revolting looking creatures who havn't learnt how to use a condom , you know that latex thing that you put on the end of it? no...okay.
All of the people are exactly the same, I swear I've seen some of the same people on the show at least 3 times? to get 3 DNA tests because they have slept with multiple people.

I went to Brighton University open day today which was kind of pointless seeing as I went to a talk about history of art when I want to apply for fine art...
My dad came with me-big mistake. He was so cringe, he fell asleep in the auditorium where the talk was being held (there were like 30 people there) I was debating whether or not to wake him up. I thought about this for a good 2 minutes because
1. If I wake him up, he might twitch and grunt noisely
2. If I don't wake him up, he could potentially begin to snore very loudly which knowing my dad would be most likely to occur.

I thought that if he did snore, I would try and move away. Anyway I just left him. Thank god only 10 minutes of the talk was left.







I think I should disguise people's identity better in my blog. Everyone seems to know who I am talking about in most posts. I don't know if this is a bad thing or not because I have not recieved any complaints as of yet. Also it shows how I feel about some people, but in a more cowardly way.

I get the most random phonecalls from friends who I always thought I wasn't particularly close to, which is a nice surprise because it makes me think that I am more connected with my old friends who have gone off to Uni. At the same time, I have fallen out with people who I never thought I would fall out with, some of them have been surprising, some not. When I think of the reasons why we have fallen out, they seem stupid...well some of them aren't but those are broken friendships that are impossible to recover from. I always want to see the best in everyone because I don't like thinking that someone could be THAT nasty. I have a soft spot for a lot of people. People who I have always loved having as a friend, people who I couldn't imagine my life without, people who I know make a huge difference to my day.

I find people very confusing at times and hard to read but I guess that just makes things a bit more interesting, not necessarily in a good way.

In an odd way I miss the people I used to be friends with, I know that they are not genuine people but it was a lot of fun while it lasted. I guess it can be a good memory that I can look back on, we shouldn't dwell on the past. Maybe it was just that life was easier in general then, when I was 15. At the time, I thought my life was really hard but now that I look back on it, it wasn't at all, to be honest it was so easy. Especially compared to now. I wonder what those people are doing now, the people I spent 2 intense years with. I can guarantee some of them have probably become smackheads...or drug dealers... a lot of them have had babies too. What a lovely combination.

Maybe something like this.........

A Representation Of The Fashion Industry: FALSE

Dove Evolution.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U

I know it's really old but It's just so good.

Natural Beauty in the fashion industry does not exist because it is enhanced by technology. Either by computer programmes such as photoshop or by lashings of make up. This video shows that a very average, generic woman can be turned into whatever they want her to be by the click of a few buttons. It's a shame that young girls think what they see on billboards and in magazines is real and they aspire to become like that. When in fact what they see in the media is false, unrealistic and moulded into something that has shaped our society into thinking is beauty. In actual fact, the image of the woman at the end, on a billboard is just purely generic. images like this of models who have been enhanced are completely unavoidable.Adverts are unavoidable. They are on huge billboards, on television, in magazines and newspapers and the topic of people's conversations.

You Sexy Thang.

WWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW

Imagine waking up next to THAT.

His parents don't talk to him anymore.No seriously, the don't.

I'd be far too scared to even look at him let alone have a casual conversation with him.

His plastic surgery is inspired by cats. He believes that in his past life he was a cat and his heritage was a tribe who looked like this? apparetly so.

Applying For Fine Art

I am actually quite scared that unis that I am applying to will see this blog...

You know how work places and universities always stalk your facebook, blog, etc...

Maybe I should say this is my extra curricular activity.


So the other night I was at my friends party in halls and this GREASY, DISGUSTING, REVOLTING, HORRENDOUS, SICKENING CREATURE comes up to me with his discoloured teeth which had brown stains on them and his GREASY mop of GREASY hair (if you could even call it that, I'd say it was more of a wig that someone had shat on) grabs my arm (hard) and tries to drag me off to his room in halls.

GREASY WIG MAN: Starts saying how he can be my Ken (because my nickname is Barbie) What a revolting line.I bet he thought he was being really smooth. well you weren't you freaky creature.

''Just come for one drink'' He looks at me with an attempted seductive glare. It looks like he has been hit by a bus or something.

ME: ''ERRR no fuck off you cunt''

GREASE MAN : ''But we have a Dj in our room'' as if this is some sort of ploy to impress me-which believe me I am so far from.

He is still gripping my arm like a slimeball so at this point I am actually QUITE scared, on a scale of 1-10 I would say I was nearer the 10 mark. I struggle to get him off me so I could disinfect myself ASAP. Afterwards, I just call a cab and go home. He put me in such a bad mood. Stupid cunt.

The Things That Everyone Thinks About

It's been a long time since i have written. I really do want to blog more. I wish that I could write and describe more personal scenarios that happen in my life but then I would talk about certain people who would then see what I write about them. A lot of the things I write, I wish I could tell those people how I feel about them but that would be innapropriate.



God it's been so long since I've written. I keep losing my trail of thought.

Why do women feel the need to be loved and in a relationship? Is it because they feel pressurized to have some form of security in their lives? Is it because they have lack of attention and love from their parents? A bad relationship with their fathers? Maybe it is all of the above. I had a friend that could not get enough from men. She would sleep around with multiple guys, all one night stands with peoplee she was not attracted to and it's not like she was drunk either. The reason for her doing this was so obvious to see to those who knew her. It was the relationship she had with he father. Or lack of relationship really. He was never around when she was a child as his job was abroad. Then later on in her teenage years he had an affair and then divorced her mother. Basically he acted like a selfish prick and then fucked off with his mistress to a shitty council estate. Now it should make sense why she chooses to have sex with men she has no interest in.

I find it interesting to stand back and evaluate people like this. People who are so complex and messed up that it actually is impossible to change.

I also find relationships interesting to evaluate. Especially since I have been in some....interesting ones. I'm going to make this blog quite personal. The post I am about to write is not to make anyone feel sorry for me, It's not for anyone to say ''Oh poor her she must feel like shit'' because I don't. And this is one of those things that some people take so badly and then the stereotype of men being assholes to women comes into play.


My now ex boyfriend (thank GOD I got away....eventually) and I were dating for two years on and off. He was a typical loser. No job, NO money, Lived with his mum on white city council estate, then when she had enough of him, he lived with his dad on a council estate in Northolt, had no qualifications, never went to Uni , had like...3 friends who he never saw and basically if we're being honest did not really have anything to live for.

I met 'X' on St.Pauls Green when I was 15 and before I met him, I was dating another loser from St.Pauls Green. before I was going out with X, the person I was dating cheated on me with a girl (who was my good friend) called ''Nemo'' so I broke up with him. I then started seeing 'X' he was absolutely delightful, a real treat after the way my ex boyfriend treated me. He was an angel for about 3 months. He did everything for me, he was kind, trustworthy,caring,sweet, took me out for dinner and to the cinema, for my birthday he bought me a pink mp3 player (Bear in mind he had no money) and did whatever he could to make me happy
and then gradually he started to change, I don't remember noticing it at first because it was such a gradual process but then I remember his irratic mood swings and irritable behaviour towards me. On on occasion he was playing X Box and I was wearing red lipstick which smeared on his top, he got up, started swearing at me, threw the controller at the screen and then took of his top which he threw at the wall.

He controlled and manipulated every part of my life which I cannot believe I let him do. He stopped me from going to my best friends' birthday and to every other outing. I ended up missing out on a lot, Seeing my friends was not an option because everyday I would be at his house. My mother had banned him from coming to our house after my 16th birthday because of the way he would not let me spend time with my friends or drink too much.


I broke up with him after 1 year. The break up was horrible. I punched him in the face 4 times and threw his beloved skateboard into the road.

He knew this girl called Chelsea and after we broke up he started seeing her. Then we got back together and he, for some reason, would'nt tell her that we were together again. After multiple times of him choosing chelsea over me, I decided to end it. Little did I know we would be together again, 9 months later.

 A week after our break up, In which he chased after me like a hungry dog, he started seeing ''Nemo'' , the girl who my other ex cheated on me with. After a few weeks, they broke up and me and X were back together again, for the 10000000th time. Little did I know that he was still the same moody mess of a person who had gotten ''Nemo'' pregnant.  That was the cherry on top. I made the mistake of staying with him.
That was not the end. There was more in for me.

On halloween he had promised to go out with me and my friends which made me ecstatic because he never ever came out with me. Then he changed his mind, we had a huge arguement in which led to me saying that I hated him. I look back now and feel happy that I said those words because it is the reason we broke up for good. After that he refused to speak to me for 2 whole months, he would not answer the phone when i tried to call him 50 times a day and send him numerous text messages so I knew something was going on. I found out via facebook  (good old facebook) that he was cheating on me with a 17 year old (he was 23) I saw messages saying ''I love you'' Blah BLah BLAH. So I rang him and he eventually admitted it.
The End.

I look back now and feel happy that what happened, happened. All I needed was for him to cheat so it would give me a reason not to go back to him. It sounds so stupid and ridiculous that I stayed with him throughout all of that.

It's interesting to see how weak a relationship can make you. It doesn't necessarily have to be a loving and committed one. A destructive one can weaken you just as much over time. I feel sorry for his current girlfriend. She is so young and probably so naiive. I am not angry at her in the slightest because she did not know who I was, she didn;t care who I was because she had never even met me. she was just someone who had met someone who she thought was a nice guy and he just happened to be in a relationship.

Time for Degree

It's application time already and I think it's safe to say: it is the BAIN of my life (apart from photoshop, obviously)

I looked online to try and find a course with fine art combined with illustration but the only ones I could find were ''Lincoln''.....? and ''Coventry'' (Bear in mind, I do not want to go more than an hour out of London)

It was quite amusing that ''Conventry'' came up first because my flatmate,Georgia and I have been bullying and abusing our other flatmate, Becki about ''Cov'' (Coventry) because she lives near there ever since she moved in. And now...It could potentially become...Where I do my BA course. I think I should research the night life first because I highly doubt it's a 'rave'

This is the sort of work I would like to do:

Naja Conrad-Hansen.

Ryan Sanchez.

I particularly like These because I love working with mixed media and also with a morbid twist. I like painting and drawing faces and skulls with a dripping effect. This is very similar to what I did for my A-level piece.

''Fashion Image'' And Other Times...

Good news has at last come, I succeeded at getting into my pathway 'fashion image'!!! exciting times DEFINETLY. We had to choose different options and I chose option 1.Vintage lace and sepia trimmings.
What the hell is a sepia trimming? all that came up on google were Louis Vouitton hadbags...

Anyway, I looked at this artist Hans Bellmer and I really love his art, it is quite macabre and intense and really morbid which is what I like about it. His work contains pieces of dead looking dolls with feminine characteristics such as bows. I like how his ideas in his pieces do not necessarily have to be typically beautiful but still contain a subtle attractiveness. I found it easy to generate ideas and be inspired by him.
In this piece, his work reminds me of Jenny Saville because of the way he distorts the body and increasing the proportion and Jenny Saville's work is often of naked over-weight people. This is interesting because we don't tend to imagine naked over-weight people because (most of us) don't think it is beautiful. But somehow Hans Bellmer makes this image work.


The face- Madonna in 10 years time? (If she lays off the botox)

Anti To The Climax

I came home expecting more than a warm welcome...I would be lucky if I even got that. People don't miss your presence unless you are truly gone. I realised that it wasn't home that I was missing, it was how it used to be. Some people never left and some have gone and started a new persona, well really, an ''alter-ego''

Like a person on drugs.

Everytime I come back home I expect so much more than I should really, I expect so much to be going on when really, to be honest I should have just stayed back in East LDN where my new life and new friends are. I miss it already and I've only been here 3 days. It's time to ''man up''     ?

This weekend was uneventful.

1. Seeing the most unlikely person get off with the town bicycle (lads on tour)
2. Friends who havn't placed their priorities in order yet...
3. Sexual tension was present, yet again.

I find this strange, I only have 3 points to mention. What a shame. This clearly proves how un-eventful the weekend was.

Number 3: How frustrating. It might be curiosity but I know that this curiosity would be satisfied if only I knew it would not end up a mistake. It came close to happening once but I stopped it. Fuck self control. Fuck conscience. Fuck always trying to see the best in a person. If this person became nicer, kinder and less selfish (not completely but just a little bit) then I would definetly not let him slip away. It's odd because deep, DEEP down, I am aware of the kindness and vulnerabilty this person suffers. I wish I could be the person to bring the best out of him and prove everyone wrong. Wishful Thinking? yes...unlucky.

''No Place Like Home''

Thursday is possibly going to be the most exciting day of my amazing life. I am going HOME.

To my parents, who I miss so much and have not seen for 3 or 4 weeks (it's that long that I'm losing track already)

To my precious friends (If i was to name names people would get jealous and the list would be endless - actually that's a lie, I have a lack of friends)

To a clean enviroment. Living in a flat so much fun on the weekend when you are too drunk to realise how much MESS you are festering in.NOT,

To a bed that has beautiful floral clean pink and white sheets and does not do up by velcro (yes I am living in the ghetto) but by buttons that stay intact.

Oh what an exciting place to look forward to.











The consequences of absent mother.







The consequences of never having a job.

Lack Of

Appreciation.

So, I slave away for two weeks on ART. 2 weeks of unwashed hair that has been tied up for 48 hours and a routine of eating nothing between the hours of 1pm and 7pm. I wanted to be the best and impress my tutor. After staying at uni until 6:30pm for a considerable amount of days and spending 7 hours on my final outcome I was shocked to find out how unimpressed my tutor was.


''This is not enough work''

What I wish I could have said ''I have finished a WHOLE FUCKING sketchbook and final piece''

I at least thought that my hard work would pay off. Unfortunately I am still waiting for that day to come.

I can take CONSTRUCTIVE critisizm that is actually useful in some sort of way/shape/form but i did not receive any useful information from this man until 6pm when he actually contradicted himself and said that i needed to tweak things in my sketchbook.



This is the start to a few more days of unhygienic hair and a ridiculous eating routine. Let the game begin.

Petite Mort

''The Little Death''


I found this word interesting because it's a French expression for ''Orgasm''


I came across it on one of my old Art Teachers website.









Marcelle Hanselaar - La Petite Mort

Sexual Tension

Feeling sexual tension between two friends.What a mess.
It's frustrating because it's there.In front of me. The only problem is his friend. i kind of dated him for about a month even though i wasn't even that interested. Bit of a mistake maybe...?
Sleeping with him would be wrong on so many levels but im not going to go into that.
If you gave me 10 guys to go on a date with i guarantee that i will pick the one with:
No job
No money
No A-Levels
No degree
No common sense
No life in general
Basically why choose second best? Always try and get the best you possibly can. I just don't approach any men. Simple. I don't want to sound too much like Carrie Bradshaw now.So i'll stop.For now.

They have sainsbury's basics pepper...? what the hell is going on.

The Art Foundation.

Mondays are SO boring. 3 whole hours of photoshop.FML.
I thought London College Of Fashion would be so different to what it is. I thought it would be full of really ''arty, edjaaaay'' people from East Landan. It's actually full of people from all over the place and they are all lovely and so down to earth.
There are 3 girls that i am good friends with, Morgan, Jess and Carys.
Morgan is from Essex and an absolute lunatic. Jess is a genuine person and a sweetie, and Carys is posh gal from Tooting Beck. There are NO MEN at LCF and the very few are all gay. I think i have seen 10 guys max at uni. It's like being at an all girls school again. So, so strange because all my friends from home are guys.

At first i hated LCF, i couldn't stand waking up in the morning, forcing myself out of bed and into the dreaded uni. Mondays-photoshop, Tuesdays- all day drawing shit like fabric and manekins and then drawing naked people (even though the male life model is quite attractive) I was counting down the days till the foundation course was over. You are forced to work independently with no help at all and everything they tell you is so vague.
Now i feel so different, we had to do different pathways to see which one we wanted to specialise in. We tried FDT: womenswear, menswear, 3D: jewellery design, shoe design, handbag design, costume, Textiles: playing around with fabrics, sewing and wax and Fashion Image: fine art, illustration, fashion photography, fashion illustration, mixed media. I chose fashion image so i could do illustration but theres a catch- we have to compete with each other because not everyone will get the pathway (only 50 out of 100 people get it!!) Even though LCF is pretentious,I love doing fashion image and drawing and using mixed media. I am starting to actually get excited about the project.
scary times.

Missing.

It's weird how when you feel like you like someone that has been a good friend for ages can turn into more than that. I am indicisive so i thought it COULD be a good idea because you know the person inside out and the relationship could be incredible...but then also it could go completely wrong
E.g your friendship is ruined and beyond repair.
It can be awkward and uncomfortable in friendship circles.
They know your weaknesses and vulnerability.

But after making the decision not to pursue 'X' i feel at loss somehow...Maybe because i know it would be good but i always focus on the negative.

Newbie.

I never thought i would have a blog. I always thought they were for people with lack of friends to talk to or were really bored. I was seduced by the idea that maybe people want to hear about what i think and what i write about.

I will use my blog to write about my friends, the people i am going to meet, my old life and my new life. In Whitechapel and as a student at London College Of Fashion.