It's been a long time since i have written. I really do want to blog more. I wish that I could write and describe more personal scenarios that happen in my life but then I would talk about certain people who would then see what I write about them. A lot of the things I write, I wish I could tell those people how I feel about them but that would be innapropriate.
God it's been so long since I've written. I keep losing my trail of thought.
Why do women feel the need to be loved and in a relationship? Is it because they feel pressurized to have some form of security in their lives? Is it because they have lack of attention and love from their parents? A bad relationship with their fathers? Maybe it is all of the above. I had a friend that could not get enough from men. She would sleep around with multiple guys, all one night stands with peoplee she was not attracted to and it's not like she was drunk either. The reason for her doing this was so obvious to see to those who knew her. It was the relationship she had with he father. Or lack of relationship really. He was never around when she was a child as his job was abroad. Then later on in her teenage years he had an affair and then divorced her mother. Basically he acted like a selfish prick and then fucked off with his mistress to a shitty council estate. Now it should make sense why she chooses to have sex with men she has no interest in.
I find it interesting to stand back and evaluate people like this. People who are so complex and messed up that it actually is impossible to change.
I also find relationships interesting to evaluate. Especially since I have been in some....interesting ones. I'm going to make this blog quite personal. The post I am about to write is not to make anyone feel sorry for me, It's not for anyone to say ''Oh poor her she must feel like shit'' because I don't. And this is one of those things that some people take so badly and then the stereotype of men being assholes to women comes into play.
My now ex boyfriend (thank GOD I got away....eventually) and I were dating for two years on and off. He was a typical loser. No job, NO money, Lived with his mum on white city council estate, then when she had enough of him, he lived with his dad on a council estate in Northolt, had no qualifications, never went to Uni , had like...3 friends who he never saw and basically if we're being honest did not really have anything to live for.
I met 'X' on St.Pauls Green when I was 15 and before I met him, I was dating another loser from St.Pauls Green. before I was going out with X, the person I was dating cheated on me with a girl (who was my good friend) called ''Nemo'' so I broke up with him. I then started seeing 'X' he was absolutely delightful, a real treat after the way my ex boyfriend treated me. He was an angel for about 3 months. He did everything for me, he was kind, trustworthy,caring,sweet, took me out for dinner and to the cinema, for my birthday he bought me a pink mp3 player (Bear in mind he had no money) and did whatever he could to make me happy
and then gradually he started to change, I don't remember noticing it at first because it was such a gradual process but then I remember his irratic mood swings and irritable behaviour towards me. On on occasion he was playing X Box and I was wearing red lipstick which smeared on his top, he got up, started swearing at me, threw the controller at the screen and then took of his top which he threw at the wall.
He controlled and manipulated every part of my life which I cannot believe I let him do. He stopped me from going to my best friends' birthday and to every other outing. I ended up missing out on a lot, Seeing my friends was not an option because everyday I would be at his house. My mother had banned him from coming to our house after my 16th birthday because of the way he would not let me spend time with my friends or drink too much.
I broke up with him after 1 year. The break up was horrible. I punched him in the face 4 times and threw his beloved skateboard into the road.
He knew this girl called Chelsea and after we broke up he started seeing her. Then we got back together and he, for some reason, would'nt tell her that we were together again. After multiple times of him choosing chelsea over me, I decided to end it. Little did I know we would be together again, 9 months later.
A week after our break up, In which he chased after me like a hungry dog, he started seeing ''Nemo'' , the girl who my other ex cheated on me with. After a few weeks, they broke up and me and X were back together again, for the 10000000th time. Little did I know that he was still the same moody mess of a person who had gotten ''Nemo'' pregnant. That was the cherry on top. I made the mistake of staying with him.
That was not the end. There was more in for me.
On halloween he had promised to go out with me and my friends which made me ecstatic because he never ever came out with me. Then he changed his mind, we had a huge arguement in which led to me saying that I hated him. I look back now and feel happy that I said those words because it is the reason we broke up for good. After that he refused to speak to me for 2 whole months, he would not answer the phone when i tried to call him 50 times a day and send him numerous text messages so I knew something was going on. I found out via facebook (good old facebook) that he was cheating on me with a 17 year old (he was 23) I saw messages saying ''I love you'' Blah BLah BLAH. So I rang him and he eventually admitted it.
The End.
I look back now and feel happy that what happened, happened. All I needed was for him to cheat so it would give me a reason not to go back to him. It sounds so stupid and ridiculous that I stayed with him throughout all of that.
It's interesting to see how weak a relationship can make you. It doesn't necessarily have to be a loving and committed one. A destructive one can weaken you just as much over time. I feel sorry for his current girlfriend. She is so young and probably so naiive. I am not angry at her in the slightest because she did not know who I was, she didn;t care who I was because she had never even met me. she was just someone who had met someone who she thought was a nice guy and he just happened to be in a relationship.
Saturday, 4 December 2010
Monday, 15 November 2010
Time for Degree
It's application time already and I think it's safe to say: it is the BAIN of my life (apart from photoshop, obviously)
I looked online to try and find a course with fine art combined with illustration but the only ones I could find were ''Lincoln''.....? and ''Coventry'' (Bear in mind, I do not want to go more than an hour out of London)
It was quite amusing that ''Conventry'' came up first because my flatmate,Georgia and I have been bullying and abusing our other flatmate, Becki about ''Cov'' (Coventry) because she lives near there ever since she moved in. And now...It could potentially become...Where I do my BA course. I think I should research the night life first because I highly doubt it's a 'rave'
This is the sort of work I would like to do:
Naja Conrad-Hansen.
Ryan Sanchez.
I looked online to try and find a course with fine art combined with illustration but the only ones I could find were ''Lincoln''.....? and ''Coventry'' (Bear in mind, I do not want to go more than an hour out of London)
It was quite amusing that ''Conventry'' came up first because my flatmate,Georgia and I have been bullying and abusing our other flatmate, Becki about ''Cov'' (Coventry) because she lives near there ever since she moved in. And now...It could potentially become...Where I do my BA course. I think I should research the night life first because I highly doubt it's a 'rave'
This is the sort of work I would like to do:
Naja Conrad-Hansen.
Ryan Sanchez.I particularly like These because I love working with mixed media and also with a morbid twist. I like painting and drawing faces and skulls with a dripping effect. This is very similar to what I did for my A-level piece.
''Fashion Image'' And Other Times...
Good news has at last come, I succeeded at getting into my pathway 'fashion image'!!! exciting times DEFINETLY. We had to choose different options and I chose option 1.Vintage lace and sepia trimmings.
What the hell is a sepia trimming? all that came up on google were Louis Vouitton hadbags...
Anyway, I looked at this artist Hans Bellmer and I really love his art, it is quite macabre and intense and really morbid which is what I like about it. His work contains pieces of dead looking dolls with feminine characteristics such as bows. I like how his ideas in his pieces do not necessarily have to be typically beautiful but still contain a subtle attractiveness. I found it easy to generate ideas and be inspired by him.
In this piece, his work reminds me of Jenny Saville because of the way he distorts the body and increasing the proportion and Jenny Saville's work is often of naked over-weight people. This is interesting because we don't tend to imagine naked over-weight people because (most of us) don't think it is beautiful. But somehow Hans Bellmer makes this image work.
The face- Madonna in 10 years time? (If she lays off the botox)
What the hell is a sepia trimming? all that came up on google were Louis Vouitton hadbags...
In this piece, his work reminds me of Jenny Saville because of the way he distorts the body and increasing the proportion and Jenny Saville's work is often of naked over-weight people. This is interesting because we don't tend to imagine naked over-weight people because (most of us) don't think it is beautiful. But somehow Hans Bellmer makes this image work.
The face- Madonna in 10 years time? (If she lays off the botox)
Saturday, 6 November 2010
Anti To The Climax
I came home expecting more than a warm welcome...I would be lucky if I even got that. People don't miss your presence unless you are truly gone. I realised that it wasn't home that I was missing, it was how it used to be. Some people never left and some have gone and started a new persona, well really, an ''alter-ego''
Like a person on drugs.
Everytime I come back home I expect so much more than I should really, I expect so much to be going on when really, to be honest I should have just stayed back in East LDN where my new life and new friends are. I miss it already and I've only been here 3 days. It's time to ''man up'' ?
This weekend was uneventful.
1. Seeing the most unlikely person get off with the town bicycle (lads on tour)
2. Friends who havn't placed their priorities in order yet...
3. Sexual tension was present, yet again.
I find this strange, I only have 3 points to mention. What a shame. This clearly proves how un-eventful the weekend was.
Number 3: How frustrating. It might be curiosity but I know that this curiosity would be satisfied if only I knew it would not end up a mistake. It came close to happening once but I stopped it. Fuck self control. Fuck conscience. Fuck always trying to see the best in a person. If this person became nicer, kinder and less selfish (not completely but just a little bit) then I would definetly not let him slip away. It's odd because deep, DEEP down, I am aware of the kindness and vulnerabilty this person suffers. I wish I could be the person to bring the best out of him and prove everyone wrong. Wishful Thinking? yes...unlucky.
Like a person on drugs.
Everytime I come back home I expect so much more than I should really, I expect so much to be going on when really, to be honest I should have just stayed back in East LDN where my new life and new friends are. I miss it already and I've only been here 3 days. It's time to ''man up'' ?
This weekend was uneventful.
1. Seeing the most unlikely person get off with the town bicycle (lads on tour)
2. Friends who havn't placed their priorities in order yet...
3. Sexual tension was present, yet again.
I find this strange, I only have 3 points to mention. What a shame. This clearly proves how un-eventful the weekend was.
Number 3: How frustrating. It might be curiosity but I know that this curiosity would be satisfied if only I knew it would not end up a mistake. It came close to happening once but I stopped it. Fuck self control. Fuck conscience. Fuck always trying to see the best in a person. If this person became nicer, kinder and less selfish (not completely but just a little bit) then I would definetly not let him slip away. It's odd because deep, DEEP down, I am aware of the kindness and vulnerabilty this person suffers. I wish I could be the person to bring the best out of him and prove everyone wrong. Wishful Thinking? yes...unlucky.
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
''No Place Like Home''
Thursday is possibly going to be the most exciting day of my amazing life. I am going HOME.
To my parents, who I miss so much and have not seen for 3 or 4 weeks (it's that long that I'm losing track already)
To my precious friends (If i was to name names people would get jealous and the list would be endless - actually that's a lie, I have a lack of friends)
To a clean enviroment. Living in a flat so much fun on the weekend when you are too drunk to realise how much MESS you are festering in.NOT,
To a bed that has beautiful floral clean pink and white sheets and does not do up by velcro (yes I am living in the ghetto) but by buttons that stay intact.
Oh what an exciting place to look forward to.
The consequences of absent mother.
The consequences of never having a job.
To my parents, who I miss so much and have not seen for 3 or 4 weeks (it's that long that I'm losing track already)
To my precious friends (If i was to name names people would get jealous and the list would be endless - actually that's a lie, I have a lack of friends)
To a clean enviroment. Living in a flat so much fun on the weekend when you are too drunk to realise how much MESS you are festering in.NOT,
To a bed that has beautiful floral clean pink and white sheets and does not do up by velcro (yes I am living in the ghetto) but by buttons that stay intact.
Oh what an exciting place to look forward to.
The consequences of absent mother.
The consequences of never having a job.
Lack Of
Appreciation.
So, I slave away for two weeks on ART. 2 weeks of unwashed hair that has been tied up for 48 hours and a routine of eating nothing between the hours of 1pm and 7pm. I wanted to be the best and impress my tutor. After staying at uni until 6:30pm for a considerable amount of days and spending 7 hours on my final outcome I was shocked to find out how unimpressed my tutor was.
''This is not enough work''
What I wish I could have said ''I have finished a WHOLE FUCKING sketchbook and final piece''
I at least thought that my hard work would pay off. Unfortunately I am still waiting for that day to come.
I can take CONSTRUCTIVE critisizm that is actually useful in some sort of way/shape/form but i did not receive any useful information from this man until 6pm when he actually contradicted himself and said that i needed to tweak things in my sketchbook.
This is the start to a few more days of unhygienic hair and a ridiculous eating routine. Let the game begin.
So, I slave away for two weeks on ART. 2 weeks of unwashed hair that has been tied up for 48 hours and a routine of eating nothing between the hours of 1pm and 7pm. I wanted to be the best and impress my tutor. After staying at uni until 6:30pm for a considerable amount of days and spending 7 hours on my final outcome I was shocked to find out how unimpressed my tutor was.
''This is not enough work''
What I wish I could have said ''I have finished a WHOLE FUCKING sketchbook and final piece''
I at least thought that my hard work would pay off. Unfortunately I am still waiting for that day to come.
I can take CONSTRUCTIVE critisizm that is actually useful in some sort of way/shape/form but i did not receive any useful information from this man until 6pm when he actually contradicted himself and said that i needed to tweak things in my sketchbook.
This is the start to a few more days of unhygienic hair and a ridiculous eating routine. Let the game begin.
Petite Mort
''The Little Death''
I found this word interesting because it's a French expression for ''Orgasm''
I came across it on one of my old Art Teachers website.
Marcelle Hanselaar - La Petite Mort
I found this word interesting because it's a French expression for ''Orgasm''
I came across it on one of my old Art Teachers website.
Marcelle Hanselaar - La Petite Mort
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