It's been a long time since i have written. I really do want to blog more. I wish that I could write and describe more personal scenarios that happen in my life but then I would talk about certain people who would then see what I write about them. A lot of the things I write, I wish I could tell those people how I feel about them but that would be innapropriate.
God it's been so long since I've written. I keep losing my trail of thought.
Why do women feel the need to be loved and in a relationship? Is it because they feel pressurized to have some form of security in their lives? Is it because they have lack of attention and love from their parents? A bad relationship with their fathers? Maybe it is all of the above. I had a friend that could not get enough from men. She would sleep around with multiple guys, all one night stands with peoplee she was not attracted to and it's not like she was drunk either. The reason for her doing this was so obvious to see to those who knew her. It was the relationship she had with he father. Or lack of relationship really. He was never around when she was a child as his job was abroad. Then later on in her teenage years he had an affair and then divorced her mother. Basically he acted like a selfish prick and then fucked off with his mistress to a shitty council estate. Now it should make sense why she chooses to have sex with men she has no interest in.
I find it interesting to stand back and evaluate people like this. People who are so complex and messed up that it actually is impossible to change.
I also find relationships interesting to evaluate. Especially since I have been in some....interesting ones. I'm going to make this blog quite personal. The post I am about to write is not to make anyone feel sorry for me, It's not for anyone to say ''Oh poor her she must feel like shit'' because I don't. And this is one of those things that some people take so badly and then the stereotype of men being assholes to women comes into play.
My now ex boyfriend (thank GOD I got away....eventually) and I were dating for two years on and off. He was a typical loser. No job, NO money, Lived with his mum on white city council estate, then when she had enough of him, he lived with his dad on a council estate in Northolt, had no qualifications, never went to Uni , had like...3 friends who he never saw and basically if we're being honest did not really have anything to live for.
I met 'X' on St.Pauls Green when I was 15 and before I met him, I was dating another loser from St.Pauls Green. before I was going out with X, the person I was dating cheated on me with a girl (who was my good friend) called ''Nemo'' so I broke up with him. I then started seeing 'X' he was absolutely delightful, a real treat after the way my ex boyfriend treated me. He was an angel for about 3 months. He did everything for me, he was kind, trustworthy,caring,sweet, took me out for dinner and to the cinema, for my birthday he bought me a pink mp3 player (Bear in mind he had no money) and did whatever he could to make me happy
and then gradually he started to change, I don't remember noticing it at first because it was such a gradual process but then I remember his irratic mood swings and irritable behaviour towards me. On on occasion he was playing X Box and I was wearing red lipstick which smeared on his top, he got up, started swearing at me, threw the controller at the screen and then took of his top which he threw at the wall.
He controlled and manipulated every part of my life which I cannot believe I let him do. He stopped me from going to my best friends' birthday and to every other outing. I ended up missing out on a lot, Seeing my friends was not an option because everyday I would be at his house. My mother had banned him from coming to our house after my 16th birthday because of the way he would not let me spend time with my friends or drink too much.
I broke up with him after 1 year. The break up was horrible. I punched him in the face 4 times and threw his beloved skateboard into the road.
He knew this girl called Chelsea and after we broke up he started seeing her. Then we got back together and he, for some reason, would'nt tell her that we were together again. After multiple times of him choosing chelsea over me, I decided to end it. Little did I know we would be together again, 9 months later.
A week after our break up, In which he chased after me like a hungry dog, he started seeing ''Nemo'' , the girl who my other ex cheated on me with. After a few weeks, they broke up and me and X were back together again, for the 10000000th time. Little did I know that he was still the same moody mess of a person who had gotten ''Nemo'' pregnant. That was the cherry on top. I made the mistake of staying with him.
That was not the end. There was more in for me.
On halloween he had promised to go out with me and my friends which made me ecstatic because he never ever came out with me. Then he changed his mind, we had a huge arguement in which led to me saying that I hated him. I look back now and feel happy that I said those words because it is the reason we broke up for good. After that he refused to speak to me for 2 whole months, he would not answer the phone when i tried to call him 50 times a day and send him numerous text messages so I knew something was going on. I found out via facebook (good old facebook) that he was cheating on me with a 17 year old (he was 23) I saw messages saying ''I love you'' Blah BLah BLAH. So I rang him and he eventually admitted it.
The End.
I look back now and feel happy that what happened, happened. All I needed was for him to cheat so it would give me a reason not to go back to him. It sounds so stupid and ridiculous that I stayed with him throughout all of that.
It's interesting to see how weak a relationship can make you. It doesn't necessarily have to be a loving and committed one. A destructive one can weaken you just as much over time. I feel sorry for his current girlfriend. She is so young and probably so naiive. I am not angry at her in the slightest because she did not know who I was, she didn;t care who I was because she had never even met me. she was just someone who had met someone who she thought was a nice guy and he just happened to be in a relationship.
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